The pattern you can’t break today might have roots in a wound you received decades ago.
The anger that shows up in your marriage? It might be connected to how you were spoken to as a child.
The people-pleasing that’s exhausting you? It might trace back to a home where love felt conditional.
The shame you can’t shake? It might have started with a message you absorbed when you were too young to question it.
You’re not making this up. You’re not being dramatic. And you’re not stuck because you’re weak.
You’re stuck because a younger version of you is still hurting. Still believing lies. Still operating from wounds that never healed.
Today is Day 9 of the Unshakeable journey, and we’re going back. Not to dwell in the past. But to compassionately examine the early wounds that are still shaping your present.
But before we dive in…
Welcome to Graceful Growth in Midlife. I’m Toresa.
If you’re new here, this podcast is where we navigate cultural chaos and personal struggles with biblical clarity and grace. We’re figuring this out together…creating unshakeable faith in an unstable world!
Before we jump in, if you haven’t joined the free Unshakeable: 21-Day Faith Journey yet, you can sign up at thegracefulgrowth.com/unshakeable. It’s a complete downloadable workbook with daily emails walking you through Discovery, Understanding, and Healing – designed to help you build unshakeable faith in an unstable world.
Now, here’s the thing – this is called a 21-day journey, but you don’t have to do it in 21 consecutive days. You can work through it at your own pace. Take time to absorb. Sit with the hard questions. Some days might need more than one day. And that’s completely okay. This isn’t a race. It’s about depth, not speed.
Also, if you find you need more space for journaling than what’s provided in the workbook, there are additional journal pages in the back. Use them. Fill them up. This is YOUR journey, and you get to make it work for you.
And these episodes? They’re your companion content, going even deeper into each day’s themes.
Alright. Let’s get into this.
So yesterday, you asked God to show you the root beneath the symptom. You invited Him to reveal where your struggle really started.
And today, we’re going to one of the most common places roots grow: childhood.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking. “I had a good childhood. My parents loved me. I wasn’t abused. So this doesn’t apply to me.”
Hold on.
This isn’t about whether your childhood was “good” or “bad.” This isn’t about blame. This isn’t about making your parents the villain.
This is about understanding that all of us – every single one of us – received messages in childhood that shaped how we see ourselves, how we see the world, and how we relate to God.
Some of those messages were good and true. And some of them were distorted, incomplete, or flat-out false.
And the false messages? They’re still operating in you today. Even if you’re 40, 50, 60 years old.
Because when you’re a child, you don’t have the capacity to evaluate what you’re being told. You just absorb it. You internalize it. You build your understanding of the world around it.
And unless you go back as an adult and examine those early messages with adult understanding, they continue shaping you.
Psalm 147:3 says “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Notice it doesn’t say “He only heals fresh wounds.” It says He heals the brokenhearted – past tense. The hearts that were broken. Maybe years ago. Maybe decades ago.
God wants to heal the wounds you’re still carrying from childhood. But you have to be willing to look at them.
Not to stay stuck in victim mode. Not to make excuses for your current behavior. But to understand where the patterns started so you can break them.
So today, we’re asking three questions:
- What messages did you receive in childhood about yourself?
- Is there a younger version of you that’s still hurting? What did she need to hear that she didn’t?
- How do those early wounds show up in your struggles today?
Let’s dive in.
PART 1: What Messages Did You Receive?
The first question in your workbook asks: When you think back to your childhood, what messages did you receive about yourself? (From parents, siblings, peers, teachers, church?)
And I want you to really think about this. Not just the explicit things that were said. But the implicit messages you absorbed.
Let me give you some examples.
Messages from Parents:
Explicit: “You’re so smart.” “You’re such a good helper.” “You’re too sensitive.” “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”
Implicit: “Love is conditional on performance.” “Your worth is in what you do, not who you are.” “Big emotions are bad.” “There’s something wrong with you.”
Maybe your parents never said “I only love you when you achieve.” But if they only showed affection when you brought home good grades, when you made them proud, when you performed well – you absorbed the message anyway.
Maybe they never said “You’re a burden.” But if they were always stressed, always overwhelmed, always irritated when you had needs – you learned to make yourself small. To not ask for help. To believe you’re too much.
Maybe they never said “You’re not enough.” But if they constantly compared you to siblings, to other kids, to an impossible standard – you internalized that you’ll never measure up.
Messages from Siblings:
“You’re the smart one.” “You’re the pretty one.” “You’re the problem child.” “You’re the responsible one.”
These labels become identities. And even decades later, you’re still living according to a role you were assigned when you were seven.
Messages from Peers:
Kids are cruel. And the words spoken in middle school, in high school, on the playground – they stick.
“You’re fat.” “You’re ugly.” “You’re a loser.” “Nobody likes you.”
And even if you know intellectually that middle schoolers are idiots and their opinions don’t matter – emotionally, that wound is still there. Still influencing how you see yourself.
Messages from Teachers:
“You’re a troublemaker.” “You’ll never amount to anything.” “You’re not college material.” “You’re not living up to your potential.”
Or on the flip side: “You’re so smart, you don’t even have to try.” Which sounds like praise but actually creates pressure. Because if being smart is your identity, what happens when things get hard? What happens when you encounter something you can’t master easily? You fall apart because your entire sense of worth is tied to being effortlessly intelligent.
Messages from Church:
This is a big one for many of us.
“Good girls don’t get angry.” “Your body is shameful.” “Obey authority without question.” “Doubt means you don’t have faith.” “If you were really godly, you wouldn’t struggle.”
These messages shape not just how you see yourself, but how you see God. And many of us are carrying wounds from the church that we’ve never acknowledged.
Now here’s what’s important: your parents, your siblings, your teachers, your church – they probably weren’t trying to hurt you.
Most of them were doing the best they could with what they knew. Most of them loved you and wanted good things for you.
But that doesn’t mean the messages you received were all true or healthy.
And acknowledging that you were hurt, that you absorbed lies, that you carry wounds from childhood – that’s not dishonoring to them. It’s just honest.
So write down the messages you received. The explicit ones and the implicit ones.
Not to build a case against anyone. But to see clearly what you internalized about yourself.
Because those messages are still operating in you today. And until you identify them, you can’t replace them with truth.
[PART 2: What Did She Need to Hear?
The second question asks: Is there a younger version of you that’s still hurting? What did she need to hear that she didn’t?
This one is powerful. And it might bring up emotion. That’s okay. Let it come.
Close your eyes for a second and picture yourself as a child. Pick an age. Maybe 7. Maybe 10. Maybe 13.
What do you see?
Is she confident? Afraid? Trying so hard to be good? Hiding? Performing?
What does she need?
What did she need then that she didn’t get? What did she need to hear that nobody said?
Let me walk you through some examples.
The Little Girl Who Believed She Was Too Much:
Maybe she was loud, energetic, full of big emotions and big questions. And the adults in her life couldn’t handle it. So she got the message: “You’re too much. Quiet down. Stop being so dramatic. Calm down.”
And she learned to shrink. To make herself smaller. To suppress her personality, her emotions, her voice.
What did she need to hear?
“You’re not too much. You’re exactly right. Your energy is a gift. Your emotions are valid. Your questions are welcome. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
But she didn’t hear that. So she’s still walking around today – at 45 years old – apologizing for taking up space. Minimizing her needs. Believing she’s a burden.
The Little Girl Who Believed She Had to Earn Love:
Maybe love in her home was conditional. Maybe it was tied to achievement, to behavior, to making her parents proud.
So she learned: “Love is something I have to earn. If I’m not performing, I’m not worthy.”
And she became a people-pleaser. An overachiever. Someone who can’t rest because resting feels like forfeiting her worth.
What did she need to hear?
“You are loved just because you exist. You don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to perform for it. You are enough exactly as you are.”
But she didn’t hear that. So she’s still exhausting herself trying to prove she deserves to be loved.
The Little Girl Who Believed She Wasn’t Safe:
Maybe something bad happened. Abuse, neglect, betrayal. Maybe she was hurt by someone who was supposed to protect her.
And she learned: “The world is dangerous. People can’t be trusted. I have to protect myself because no one else will.”
So she built walls. She became controlling. She stayed hypervigilant. Because letting her guard down feels like signing up to be hurt again.
What did she need to hear?
“You are safe. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. You deserved to be protected. You didn’t deserve what was done to you. And you don’t have to live in survival mode anymore.”
But she didn’t hear that. So she’s still operating from a place of fear, unable to trust, unable to rest.
The Little Girl Who Believed She Was Defective:
Maybe she struggled in school. Maybe she had ADHD or dyslexia or just learned differently. Maybe she was awkward or shy or didn’t fit in.
And she got the message: “There’s something wrong with you. You’re not like the other kids. You’re broken.”
And she internalized shame. She learned to hide. She believed she was fundamentally flawed.
What did she need to hear?
“You’re not broken. You’re beautifully made. Different doesn’t mean defective. You have gifts that others don’t. And there is nothing wrong with you.”
But she didn’t hear that. So she’s still carrying shame. Still hiding. Still believing she’s not enough.
Do you see what we’re doing?
We’re going back to that younger version of you with compassion. We’re seeing her pain. We’re acknowledging what she needed and didn’t get.
Not to blame anyone. Not to stay stuck in the past. But to give her what she needed then so she can finally heal now.
So write it down. Picture that younger version of yourself. What did she need to hear?
And then – and this is the healing part – tell her. Write her a letter. Speak to her the way Jesus would.
“You were not too much. You were exactly right. I’m so sorry no one told you that.”
“You didn’t have to earn love. You were worthy of love just because you existed. I see you. I see how hard you tried.”
“You deserved to be protected. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. You are safe now.”
“You weren’t broken. You were beautifully made. There was never anything wrong with you.”
This might feel silly. But it’s not. This is deep, healing work.
Because that little girl is still inside you. Still believing the lies. Still carrying the wounds. And she needs to hear the truth.
PART 3: How Do Those Wounds Show Up Today?
The third question asks: How do those early wounds or messages show up in your struggles today?
This is where we connect the dots between past and present.
Because the pattern you’re stuck in today? It probably has roots in a wound you received decades ago.
Let me show you what I mean.
Early Wound: “You’re too much”
Current Struggle: People-pleasing, inability to set boundaries, apologizing constantly, making yourself small, struggling to voice your needs
The Connection: That little girl learned to shrink to be acceptable. And you’re still doing it. You still believe that taking up space, having needs, being fully yourself is too much. So you overcompensate by becoming invisible.
Early Wound: “Love is conditional on performance”
Current Struggle: Workaholism, perfectionism, inability to rest, deriving worth from productivity, chronic exhaustion
The Connection: That little girl learned she had to earn love through achievement. And you’re still trying to earn it. You still believe that if you stop performing, you stop mattering.
Early Wound: “It’s not safe to trust”
Current Struggle: Control issues, inability to delegate, anxiety, keeping people at arm’s length, hypervigilance
The Connection: That little girl learned that letting her guard down was dangerous. And you’re still operating from that place. You still believe that if you’re not managing everything yourself, you’ll get hurt.
Early Wound: “You’re defective”
Current Struggle: Shame, hiding, inability to be vulnerable, perfectionism as a cover, imposter syndrome
The Connection: That little girl learned there was something wrong with her. And you’re still believing it. You still carry shame about who you are at your core.
Early Wound: “Big emotions are bad”
Current Struggle: Emotional eating, numbing behaviors, difficulty identifying feelings, exploding over small things
The Connection: That little girl learned emotions weren’t safe to feel or express. So you learned to suppress them. And now you either numb them with food/alcohol/scrolling or they come out sideways in anger and reactivity because you never learned how to process them healthily.
Early Wound: “You’re responsible for everyone’s happiness”
Current Struggle: Codependency, inability to say no, feeling guilty when others are upset, taking on emotional labor that isn’t yours
The Connection: That little girl learned she was responsible for managing everyone else’s emotions. And you’re still doing it. You still believe that if someone is unhappy, it’s your job to fix it.
Do you see the connection?
The pattern isn’t random. It’s not just “how you are.” It’s how you learned to survive childhood. It’s the coping mechanism that worked then.
But it’s not working now. It’s not serving you anymore.
And recognizing that doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re finally understanding why you do what you do.
So you can heal it. So you can choose differently. So that little girl inside you can finally get what she needed all along.
PRACTICAL APPLICATION
So here’s your action step for today.
In your workbook, answer those three questions with as much honesty and compassion as you can:
- When you think back to your childhood, what messages did you receive about yourself?
- Is there a younger version of you that’s still hurting? What did she need to hear that she didn’t?
- How do those early wounds or messages show up in your struggles today?
And then – this is the healing part – write a compassionate letter to your younger self.
Tell her what she needed to hear. Speak to her the way Jesus would.
This isn’t just a writing exercise. This is you reparenting that wounded part of yourself. This is you giving her what she didn’t get then so she can finally heal now.
And as you write, pray. Ask God to heal that younger version of you. Ask Him to replace the lies with truth. Ask Him to bind up wounds that have been open for decades.
Because He can. And He will. If you let Him.
This work isn’t easy. But it’s worth it. Because you can’t heal what you won’t look at. And going back with compassion is how you move forward with freedom.
The complete Unshakeable: 21-Day Faith Journey workbook is waiting for you at thegracefulgrowth.com/unshakeable. It’s free – workbook, daily emails, all of it.
Next time, we’re diving into Day 10: Cultural Messaging and Identity. Because it’s not just childhood wounds – the world has been shaping what you believe about yourself too. And we’re going to separate God’s truth from cultural lies.
If this resonated with you, subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming. And I’d love to hear from you – leave a comment, message me on X @toresaslater, or connect at thegracefulgrowth.com.
Thanks for being here. I’ll see you next time.
