Let me ask you something.
What’s the one thing you’ve tried to change about yourself over and over again, but it never sticks?
Maybe it’s the way you react when you’re stressed. Maybe it’s the habit you swore you’d quit last New Year. Maybe it’s the thought pattern that spirals you into anxiety every single time.
You know it’s a problem. You hate that it has this much power over you. And you’ve tried – God knows you’ve tried – to break free from it.
But here you are. Again.
Here’s what I want you to consider: what if the reason you can’t break that pattern isn’t because you’re weak or undisciplined or lacking willpower?
What if it’s because you’re fighting a stronghold with strategies designed for bad habits? What if there’s a lie underneath fueling the whole thing, and until you expose that lie, the pattern will keep winning?
Today we’re diving into Days 2 and 3 of the Unshakeable journey – Understanding Strongholds and The Lies We Believe. And I’m combining them because you can’t fully understand one without the other.
But Before we dive in….
If you haven’t joined the free Unshakeable: 21-Day Faith Journey yet, you can sign up at thegracefulgrowth.com/unshakeable. It’s a complete downloadable workbook with daily emails walking you through Discovery, Understanding, and Healing – designed to help you build unshakeable faith in an unstable world.
Now, here’s the thing – this is called a 21-day journey, but you don’t have to do it in 21 consecutive days. You can work through it at your own pace. Take time to absorb. Sit with the hard questions. Some days might need more than one day. And that’s completely okay. This isn’t a race. It’s about depth, not speed.
Also, if you find you need more space for journaling than what’s provided in the workbook, there are additional journal pages in the back. Use them. Fill them up. This is YOUR journey, and you get to make it work for you.
And the video episodes? They’re your companion content, going even deeper into each day’s themes. Visit https://www.youtube.com/@GracefulGrowthinMidlife/ to watch the corresponding videos.
Alright. Let’s get into this.
So if you did Day 1, you got honest about what brought you to this journey. You named your struggles. You painted a picture of what freedom might look like. And you identified what you’re afraid might happen if you go deeper with God.
That’s foundational work. Because you can’t heal what you won’t name.
But now we’re going to the next level. We’re asking: why are these struggles so hard to break? What’s actually keeping you stuck?
And this is where most people get it wrong.
We treat everything like it’s a behavior problem. “I just need more discipline. I just need to try harder. I just need a better system.”
And listen – sometimes that works. If you want to drink more water, set a reminder on your phone. If you want to go to bed earlier, set an alarm. Behavior problems have behavior solutions.
But strongholds? Strongholds are not behavior problems.
A stronghold is a deeply entrenched pattern – a way of thinking, believing, or acting – that feels impossible to break no matter how hard you try. It’s the thing that keeps cycling back even when you’ve white-knuckled your way through weeks or months of “doing better.”
And here’s the kicker: strongholds are rooted in lies.
That’s the connection. That’s why we’re covering both today.
The lie tells you who you are. The stronghold is how you live in response to that lie.
So if you’ve been beating yourself up because you can’t seem to break free from a pattern that’s had you in its grip for years – it’s not because you’re failing. It’s because you’re trying to behavior-modify your way out of a belief problem.
And that will never work.
PART 1: What Is A Stronghold?
Let’s start with what a stronghold actually is, because I think we throw that word around in Christian circles without really understanding it.
2 Corinthians 10:4-5 says: “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God.”
A stronghold is an argument. A pretension. Something that has set itself up against the knowledge of God.
In other words, it’s a pattern of thinking or behaving that contradicts what God says is true. And it’s so deeply rooted that it feels unshakeable.
Here’s what this looks like in real life.
Example 1: The Control Stronghold
You need to control everything. Your schedule, your environment, other people’s behavior. When things don’t go according to plan, you spiral. You micromanage your kids. You can’t delegate at work because “no one will do it right.” You lie awake at night running through every possible scenario of how tomorrow could go wrong.
You’ve tried to loosen up. You’ve tried to “let go and let God.” But every time you try to release control, the anxiety is so overwhelming that you grab it right back.
That’s a stronghold.
Because underneath that need for control is a lie: “If I’m not in control, everything will fall apart. I’m the only one holding this together. If I let my guard down, chaos wins.”
And as long as you believe that lie – consciously or subconsciously – you will keep white-knuckling control. Because letting go feels like signing up for disaster.
Example 2: The Performance Stronghold
You can’t rest. You can’t say no. You can’t disappoint anyone. Your worth is tied to how much you accomplish, how many people you help, how perfectly you execute your role as mom, wife, employee, friend, volunteer.
You’ve tried to set boundaries. You’ve read the books. You know intellectually that you can’t keep this pace. But every time you try to pull back, the guilt crushes you. The voice in your head says “Who are you to rest when there’s so much to be done? What kind of person lets people down?”
That’s a stronghold.
Because underneath that compulsive productivity is a lie: “You are what you produce. Your value is in your output. If you stop performing, you stop mattering.”
And as long as you believe that – even if you’d never say it out loud – you will keep running yourself into the ground. Because rest feels like failure.
Example 3: The Unworthiness Stronghold
This one is mine. So let me get personal here for a minute.
For years – and I mean years – I struggled with this deep, bone-level belief that I wasn’t enough. Not smart enough. Not spiritual enough. Not disciplined enough. Not worthy of being loved, chosen, valued.
And because I believed that about myself, I lived accordingly.
I people-pleased to the point of losing myself because if I could just make everyone happy, maybe I’d earn my place. I hid my struggles because showing weakness felt like confirming what I already feared – that I was defective. I worked myself to exhaustion trying to prove I deserved to take up space in the world.
And here’s the thing – I knew theologically that my worth comes from God. I could quote the verses. “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” “God demonstrates His love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” I knew it in my head.
But in my heart? In the deep places that dictated how I actually lived? I didn’t believe it.
And so the stronghold of unworthiness controlled everything. How I showed up in relationships. How I made decisions. How I responded to criticism. How I treated myself.
I couldn’t positive-affirmation my way out of it. I couldn’t discipline my way past it. Because it wasn’t a behavior problem. It was a belief problem.
The lie said: “You are fundamentally flawed. You have to earn love. You’re only as valuable as your usefulness.”
And until that lie was exposed and dismantled, the stronghold stayed intact.
Do you see how this works?
The stronghold is the pattern – the control, the performance, the people-pleasing, the self-sabotage, the comparison, the anger, the anxiety, whatever it is for you.
But the fuel for that stronghold is the lie underneath.
You can’t break the stronghold without exposing the lie.
PART 2: What Lies Are You Believing?
So let’s talk about lies.
In John 8:32, Jesus says: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Notice He doesn’t say the truth will make you feel better. He says it will set you free.
Because lies – even ones you don’t consciously acknowledge – keep you in bondage. They create the prison you’re living in. They define the walls of what you think is possible for you.
And here’s what’s tricky: most of the lies we believe about ourselves, we didn’t come up with on our own. We absorbed them.
From childhood experiences. From cultural messaging. From painful relationships. From the enemy of our souls who is, according to Jesus in John 8:44, “a liar and the father of lies.”
Let me give you some examples of common lies and where they come from.
Lie #1: “I’m too much.”
Maybe you were a sensitive kid. A lot of emotions, a lot of questions, a lot of needs. And somewhere along the way – maybe it was a parent, maybe it was a teacher, maybe it was a friend – someone communicated to you that you were overwhelming. Too loud. Too needy. Too emotional.
So you learned to shrink. To minimize your needs. To apologize for taking up space. To hide the parts of yourself that felt too big.
And now, decades later, you still believe “I’m too much.” And you live accordingly. You don’t ask for help. You don’t voice your needs. You make yourself small because deep down, you’re terrified that if you show up fully, people will confirm what you’ve always feared: you’re exhausting.
Lie #2: “I’m not enough.”
Maybe you grew up in a home where love felt conditional. Where approval was tied to achievement. Where you had to earn your place at the table.
Or maybe you were constantly compared to a sibling who seemed to have it all together. Or maybe you internalized the cultural message that you’re only valuable if you’re thin, successful, put-together, accomplished.
Whatever the source, you absorbed this lie: “I am fundamentally lacking. I need to be more, do more, achieve more to be worthy.”
And now you live in constant striving. Never satisfied. Never able to rest in who you are because you’re always measuring yourself against who you think you should be.
Lie #3: “It’s not safe to trust.”
Maybe you were betrayed by someone who was supposed to protect you. Maybe you were hurt by the church. Maybe you watched people you loved make terrible decisions and you learned early: people will let you down.
So you built walls. You keep everyone at arm’s length. You control what you can control because trusting feels like handing someone the knife to stab you with.
And now you’re isolated. Exhausted from holding it all together alone. But letting people in feels more dangerous than staying lonely.
Lie #4: “I have to be perfect to be loved.”
Maybe you grew up in a home where mistakes weren’t tolerated. Where showing weakness meant being shamed. Where vulnerability was weaponized against you.
So you learned to perform. To hide your struggles. To present the polished version of yourself while the real you – messy, broken, imperfect – stayed locked away.
And now you’re exhausted from the performance. But showing the real you feels like signing up for rejection.
Do you see how this works?
These lies didn’t come from nowhere. They came from real experiences, real pain, real messages you absorbed about who you are and how the world works.
And once they took root, they became the lens through which you see everything.
The lie filters your experiences. It interprets your circumstances. It writes the script for how you respond.
And until you identify the lie and expose it to the truth, it will keep controlling you.
PART 3: The Connection – How Lies Fuel Strongholds
So here’s where it all comes together.
The lie tells you who you are. The stronghold is how you live in response to that lie.
Let me show you what I mean with some examples.
Connection #1:
- The Lie: “I’m only valuable if I’m useful.”
- The Stronghold: Compulsive people-pleasing, inability to say no, constant overcommitment.
Why? Because if you believe your worth is in your usefulness, then resting feels like becoming worthless. Saying no feels like forfeiting your value. So you say yes to everything, burn yourself out, and resent everyone – but you can’t stop because stopping means you don’t matter anymore.
Connection #2:
- The Lie: “If I’m not in control, everything will fall apart.”
- The Stronghold: Anxiety, micromanaging, inability to delegate or trust.
Why? Because if you believe you’re the only thing standing between order and chaos, then releasing control feels like inviting disaster. So you grip tighter, stress harder, and exhaust yourself trying to manage what was never yours to control in the first place.
Connection #3:
- The Lie: “I’m fundamentally unworthy.”
- The Stronghold: Self-sabotage, isolation, inability to receive love or grace.
Why? Because if you believe you don’t deserve good things, then when good things come, you’ll sabotage them. You’ll push people away before they can leave you. You’ll reject love because accepting it feels like lying – and somewhere deep down, you’re waiting for people to discover “the truth” about you and leave anyway.
This is why behavior modification doesn’t work.
You can try to stop people-pleasing, but if you still believe your worth is in your usefulness, you’ll just find a new way to perform.
You can try to release control, but if you still believe you’re the only one holding everything together, the anxiety will drag you right back.
You can try to accept love, but if you still believe you’re unworthy, you’ll sabotage it every time.
The lie has to be exposed. The truth has to replace it. And that’s spiritual work, not willpower work.
2 Corinthians 10:5 says we “demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
We demolish the lie. We take the thought captive. We make it obedient to what God says is true.
That’s how strongholds fall. Not through gritting your teeth harder. Through exposing the foundation they’re built on and letting God replace it with truth.
PRACTICAL APPLICATION
So here’s what I want you to do over the next couple of days as you work through Days 2 and 3 in your workbook.
For Day 2 – Understanding Strongholds:
Ask yourself: What pattern in my life feels impossible to break no matter how hard I try?
Not a bad habit. Not something you just need to be more disciplined about. But something that has had you in its grip for years. Something that keeps cycling back even when you swear this time is different.
Maybe it’s the way you react when you’re triggered. Maybe it’s the cycle of restricting and binging with food. Maybe it’s the pattern of choosing relationships that hurt you. Maybe it’s the inability to rest without guilt crushing you.
Name it specifically. Write it down.
And then ask: When did this pattern first start? Can I trace it back to a specific season or experience?
Because strongholds don’t appear out of nowhere. They form in response to something. A wound. A message. A survival mechanism that worked once but now has you trapped.
Tracing the origin helps you understand what you’re actually dealing with.
For Day 3 – The Lies We Believe:
Ask yourself: What negative thoughts about myself replay most often in my mind?
Not just “I’m not good enough” in general. Get specific.
“I’m not a good mom.” “I’m not disciplined.” “I’m too emotional.” “I’m not smart enough.” “I’m a burden.” “I’m unlovable.” “I’m a failure.”
Whatever it is, write it down without editing. Don’t make it sound more spiritual. Don’t soften it. Just write the actual thought that loops in your head.
And then ask: Where did I first hear or learn this belief about myself?
Was it childhood? A specific relationship? Culture? Social media? A traumatic experience?
And here’s the critical question: If Jesus were sitting across from you right now, what do you think He would say about that lie?
Not what you think He should say. Not the theological answer. But what do you genuinely believe He would say to you about the lie you’ve been believing about yourself?
Because until you can hear His voice louder than the lie, the lie will keep writing your story.
Your action step for Day 3 is to choose one lie from your list and find one Scripture verse that speaks truth against it. Write it down. Read it out loud three times today.
Not because you’ll magically believe it after three repetitions. But because you’re starting to train your mind to hear a different voice. To consider a different narrative. To let truth challenge the lie that’s been running unchecked for too long.
Here’s what I need you to hear:
Identifying the lie doesn’t make it go away instantly. Naming the stronghold doesn’t demolish it overnight.
This is a process. And it’s going to take more than a couple of days.
But what we’re doing here – in these first few days of the journey – is excavation work. We’re digging beneath the surface. We’re exposing what’s been hidden. We’re bringing things into the light that have been operating in the dark for far too long.
And that is holy work. Hard work. But holy work.
So if this feels heavy, that’s okay. You’re not doing it wrong. You’re doing it honestly. And that’s exactly what this journey requires.
The Unshakeable: 21-Day Faith Journey is completely free at thegracefulgrowth.com/unshakeable. You’ll get the full workbook, daily emails, and access to all these teaching episodes as we go deeper together.
Next time, we’re moving from identifying lies to understanding who you really are. Because you can’t just demolish the false narrative – you have to replace it with truth. And that’s exactly what we’re doing in our next episode.
If you found this helpful, subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming. And I’d love to hear from you – what lie did God expose for you today? Leave a comment below!
Thanks for being here. I’ll see you next time.
